Currently Listening The Very Best of Simon & Garfunkel: Tales from New York By Simon & Garfunkel see related

- Punky's Dilemma

April, what's gone on since April?... lots...
Schools out, I'm at home, working at the hospital I worked at last summer.  As of last week, Joe and I will have been dating for 4 months.  Thats a happy thought for me.  I'm not sure I could discribe Joe on here, I'm not sure I'd want to.  He's wonderful. 
My dad and the my bro and sis have been able to have some fun, some serious conversations and some good hard work so far.  Its a relief to come home and not find it the place I dreaded as I left.  Though, I'm not sure the change is in it or in me. 
I've had to really reevaluate my philosophy I still don't know what it is yet.  I've had many urges to lie outside at night in the middle of a feild and stare at the stars wondering....

Currently Listening All Right Here By Sara Groves see related

- 8

I'm trying to work things out
I'm trying to comprehend
Am I the chance result
Of some great accident
I hear a rhythm call me
The echo of a grand design
I spend each night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars in the sky

I have another meeting today
With my new counselor
My mom will cry and say
I don't know what to do with her
She's so unresponsive
I just cannot break through
She spends all night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars and the moon

They have a chart a‘graph
Of my despondency
They want to chart a path
For self-recovery
They wanna know what I'm thinking
What motivates my mood
To spend all night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars and the moon

Maybe this was made for me
For lying on my back in the middle of a field
Maybe that's a selfish thought
Or maybe there's a loving God

Maybe I was made this way
To think and to reason and to question and to pray
And I have never prayed a lot
But maybe there's a loving God
 
And that may be a foolish thought
Or maybe there is a God
And I have never prayed a lot
But maybe there's a loving God

Sarah Groves  ~ Maybe There's a Loving God

stranded

It is Easter break.  I'm alone in my dorm.  I have 3 essays to write, a shower to take, and leftover Chinese food to warm up.  At least I have my own chopsticks!  Ben broke his hand and couldn't drive 9 hours home.  I'm trying not to mind.  Time alone is good, right?  I love how there's no noise except the bird outside my window.  I miss everyone though.  I wish I felt more compelled to think of God this morning. 
I've often wanted to be left in the middle of the woods somewhere, with minimal resources and no one around.  I want to be alone with God and nature.  To learn how to survive on my own, to learn how to understand nature, to be a part of it.  I'm not sure that kind of experience is possible anymore.  This now, is a different kind of alone.  I'm not sure I like it.  I'm not sure I dislike it. 
What I do know is that I'm hungry, need a shower, and have papers to write.  I can't be lazy forever.  Pardon me as I re-enter the jungle.   

"Live in Vain"

I actually feel like posting an entry today.  Josh, you should be proud of me.  However, I'm not sure what to say.  So much has changed.  Resolutions don't work very well when God has something else in mind. 
I was pondering the purpose of life the other day in choir because I was too sick to sing and feeling to obligated to skip class and sleep, and this poem came to mind.  I love it. 

If I can stop one heart from breaking
I shall not live in vain
If I can ease one life the aching
Or cool one pain
If I can help one fainting robin
Back into it's nest again
I shall not live in vain.

~ Emily Dickinson